He used to send me paragraphed text messages, and call me to talk for hours. We’d do the stupid “no you hang up” first thing, neither one of us wanting to hit that hang up button. He wanted to know everything about me, till he got me.
Then he’d buy me guilt flowers, not “just because” flowers. It was obvious they were guilt flowers, one week he gave me flowers 4 days in a row. It wasn’t your everyday type of flowers, it was the big beautiful bouquet of roses. The ones you buy for an anniversary, a special event, or more likely when you just straight mess up bad.
He’d be gone for hours, and return with the flowers no explanation of where he’d been. He got clingy and started professing his love…the whole bit. Those were the “good” days.
Eventually the flowers stopped, he replaced them with a desire to hang out at bars. He’d search my phone, and tell me which friends I couldn’t talk to. We would have fights about nothing, and everything at the same time. Fights that caused him to slam doors, throw things and punch the walls.
It started as a harmless “your stupid.”He never hit me, but attacked with words instead.
Distance grew between us, and we felt more like roommates than partners. He’d disappear at 11pm, and return home at 4am acting like the fights never happened. The first words out of his mouth were “I love yous”, you could hear the force in his voice.
Life continued on, but he stopped wanting to do things. Eventually he got laid off, and still had daily errands to run. When I asked about them, he told me to stop being nosy. When I asked about money disappearing, he would tell me it was none of my business. His money was his, my money was ours end of discussion.
He’d leave behind a trail of hotel numbers, and gift-cards to lingerie shops. When confronted he’d tell me it was all in my head, that I was crazy. Nothing was happening, those were from a friend. My phone would be on the nightstand, and his phone was turned off hidden in his bag.
Time went on and the anger got worse, he no longer called out simple insults. Foolishly I stood there, hoping… wishing he’d hit me instead. At least if he did that, the bruises would eventually disappear. No he was smarter than that, instead he attacked me like a venomous snake.
“Stupid c*nt” was his new favourite thing to call me. If I challenged him, he’d tell me “your crazy, it’s all in your head.” There were no discussions between us, if he didn’t agree with what I said he’d tell me to “shut the f*ck up.” The words were spoken so many times, I began to question myself.
He’d justify his cheating, by saying I did it first. It was his form of revenge, on an act I didn’t commit. His defense, he never hit me. He stopped coming around, his messages and calls became sporadic. I started to heal, but like a lion chasing it’s prey he’d come back.
I fell for his lies more times than I can count, it was like he was reading a script. He knew just the right words to say, and I believed him. Believing what he said, because I wanted him to change. I knew the good that he could be, and I thought if I wanted it bad enough maybe he could see and want it too.
It finally hit me I knew it had to stop, you can’t make someone do something they don’t want to do. So I decided to change myself instead, I started making better choices. CLICK HERE.
Everyday is still a struggle, but I’m trying to get to the loving myself part. I’ve been using this book Love yourself heal your life workbook, I’m trying to be true to myself…and maybe just maybe he’ll eventually try too.
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