The other day while I was scrolling through various Facebook posts, I seen a photo posted by The Orange Rhino . It really hit me like a ton of bricks, it said “As I tracked my yelling…it became abundantly clear that A LOT OF THE TIME I yelled because of me.” We all know that’s an appropriate statement most of the time, but as humans we usually just brush it under the rug like everything else that bothers us.
So I sat down and thought about what the last 5 reasons for yelling at the kids was. Sure enough the last five times I raised my voice at them was because of myself. A lot of people, are probably thinking it’s bizarre that you would yell at someone when you know it’s your own fault. The upsetting thing is your so caught up in the moment that you don’t think logically you just, yell because you see a mess or whatever it is. (I’m not referring to the moments when you need to yell for safety reasons, or your calling your kid(s).). I discovered that some of my triggers that make me yell are; lack of sleep, hunger, and disorganization.
An example of me yelling at one of the kids when it’s not their fault was the other day. I yelled at Zaden because he had taken some Styrofoam and crumpled it into little pieces everywhere upstairs on the carpet. I’m talking little tiny tiny tiny pieces I was so incredibly angry, I put him in time out and yelled at him saying “You know your not supposed to be touching that and that you aren’t supposed to be crumpling it onto the floor, why did you do that?!?!” I wasn’t thinking because I got all caught up in the moment, I wasn’t using my stern voice I was using my hurtful voice. What I was really doing wasn’t disciplining him, I was emotionally hurting him. There’s a big difference between disciplining and just being hurtful, and I knew I had crossed the line. (You know you’ve crossed the line when you continue to yell but you feel a HUGE guilty feeling while you are doing it.) By the time I realized it, it was too late he said in-between sobs “I don’t know why I did it….because I found it on the floor”.
He knew he wasn’t supposed to do that, and that he would get in trouble BUT I am also to blame. He only did what he did because I kept procrastinating, not picking up the Styrofoam and putting it in the garbage bin like I should have. Some other people will say “It’s not your fault, if he knew he shouldn’t be doing that, then he shouldn’t have done it”. Yes kids will be kids and there will always be some times when they aren’t going to listen to you, or they will do things they aren’t supposed to do. I’m not making excuses for the bad behavior but as parents it’s our responsibility to step up to the plate and realize when it is partially our fault our kid(s) did what they did.
I’m not perfect, I don’t claim to be. I am far from it and it’s definitely something that I have to continuously work on and am working on. I’m trying various new techniques to help me not yell. Things such as stepping away from the situation, asking myself “Is it my fault that they did what they did?”, I’m going to try the counting to 10 and doing some deep breathing until I’ve calmed down. Every day is a struggle in this area, but I just have to keep doing the best that I can do.
Do you have any good suggestions on how to curb yelling?