I’ve been avoiding this post for about a month now, because I’m afraid people will get the wrong impression. This post puts me in a vulnerable position, so I apologize if it seems the post is all over the place. So at the risk of being exposed, here goes… The everyday monotony of life, is getting to me. I’m stuck in a rut, funk, hole whatever you want to call it. I don’t want to say I’m depressed, because I don’t even know if that’s what it is. All I know is I don’t feel like myself, I feel like there’s no point to everything. Hold onto your thoughts, no this isn’t a red flag or a plea for help. I know there is a point to life, my life but sometimes you just need to vent about how you feel. I feel frustrated, angry, bitter, unmotivated, and occasionally overwhelmed. I’ve been constantly battling with myself, I feel the want to do something but no desire to do it. I fight the urge to want to just lay in bed all day, but when bedtime comes I can’t seem to sleep. I’m not physically tired, I’m emotionally tired.
I take everyone’s issues as a person burden, I let it effect the way that I feel. I’ve always been the type of person that people feel comfortable talking to. I’ve had people share personal stories with me while sitting at the blood lab, the doctor’s office, the hospital, my work, even in line at the grocery store. I love that people feel comfortable enough that they can talk to me. Most of the time I’m genuinely interested in hearing what they have to say. What frustrates me is I don’t have anyone I can talk to about stuff going on in my life. So I guess that’s what brings us here, to my corner of cyberspace. I’ve got people who say if I need to talk I can always give them a call, or even send them a text. Let’s be real for a moment, how many of them genuinely mean it? It seems like that’s just what people are supposed to say, when they notice or you tell them your having a rough time.
I’ve got a lot of anger, and bitterness towards things that have happened and situations I have no control over. Than there’s also the anger I have towards myself, for putting myself in some situations… I take responsibility for that. I know that the journey of forgiveness is going to take a long time. At this point I’m not even focusing on forgetting it because I’m not even sure if I’ll ever be able to do that. I’ll deal with that when the time comes, I wish it was as simple as saying “it’s the past leave it there”, “what’s done is done” believe me if it was that simple I would have already done it. I’ve got a pile of positive books I’ve read, and am reading. I’ve read some scriptures that help me feel better, but ultimately I just need someone that’s going to listen to me talk complain about my crap for once. THEN I can start mending.
Honestly parenting is a hard job, whether you’re doing it alone or along with someone else it requires you to be there 110% emotionally and physically for your kid(s). I always put my kids as my number 1 priority, that’s something that will never change. Besides I can’t complain about my kids, they are pretty darn fantastic. I’m not just tooting my own horn here, they don’t ask for much, they are very polite most of the time, they eat their vegetables and enjoy them, all of them even sleep through the night. However I and all of us parents need to start taking care of ourselves too, we can’t just put ourselves on the back burner. How are we expected to take care of and mold these little humans if we don’t feel 100%. That’s right we can’t, it’s like what the flight attendants says on planes “secure your oxygen mask first, and then assist the other person” if you can’t breathe you aren’t any good to anyone. Which means we all need to start doing things that “recharge” our batteries, or were going to burn out. Whether that’s going out for a meal without your kid(s), getting a massage, calling a friend, meeting up with someone to chat, a pedicure, going to read a book somewhere quiet, etc. It doesn’t matter what it is, as long as it gives you some YOU time. It’s about showing your kids a positive example, that you care about yourself. That will teach them to care about themselves, as they grow up.