Depression is a taboo word, it’s risky mentioning it when you’re a parent. The word depression makes people uncomfortable, I know because the word makes me uncomfortable. It’s not something that suddenly happens, it slowly builds up usually without you knowing.
To many people the first thing that comes to mind, when they hear someones depressed is “they want to die/kill themselves.” That couldn’t be further from the truth.
There’s more than one type of depression!
Not all types of depression fit into one box, I’m NOT a doctor but I know this to be true. If you want you can check out this link CLICK HERE for some more information on the different types of depression.
My “depression” is a roller coaster. Some nights I can’t fall asleep, no matter how tired I am. At the same time, I want to constantly sleep. No amount of sleep, will stop my soul from being exhausted.
It’s that moment your motivated, you feel like you can tackle the world. Then BAM you no longer, have the energy to do anything. Becoming easily angered, and lashing out on people only to feel regret for lashing out afterwards. Being extremely happy for a period of time, then feeling like there’s no point to anything shortly after.
When you over eat, to fill a void that food won’t fill CLICK HERE for more on that. That moment when you feel like super mom, and short after you feel like you could have done so much better.
The guilt never ends.
I know I signed myself up for this parenting gig, 98 percent of the time it’s awesome. The other 2 percent it’s a fricken nightmare. I’m burning the candle, at both ends. Kids will be kids, and they will occasionally say things they don’t mean. It doesn’t make it hurt any less.
I take on the guilt of everything, even things that aren’t my guilt to carry. I want my kids to feel love from all around them. That’s the part that kicks you in the face, so to speak. I would rather they be angry at me, than know the truth that some people couldn’t care less.
They didn’t sign up for this. It’s not fair, life isn’t fair. But I’ll be damned if I don’t try to protect them, their my world and they deserve to be protected.
Keera and Zaden figured out, the passcode to their iPads a few weeks ago.
Since it was time-consuming, I didn’t bother to change the passcodes. I let them have “free-range” of their devices. This is what happens when your mentally exhausted, you stop caring. Where there were once rules, that kept stability they’ve temporarily disappeared.
This resulted in some push back, mostly around bed times since I try to get them into bed early.
This morning I didn’t send the kids to school, because if this is how I feel imagine how it’s affecting them. I told them they had to eat breakfast, then go back to bed at least for a few more hours.
Once everyone finished their breakfast, I changed the passcodes on their iPads. It took me two minutes tops, yet I had been postponing it for weeks now. I told them once they got up again, they had to do something non electronic related no devices till 11am.
This is an accomplishment, it wasn’t until 11:30 they asked to go on. In between Ipad time, I asked them to do a few chores here, and there. Emilee and Zaden picked up their toys, while Keera folded and put away the laundry. The laundry was piled up a mile high on-top of the freezer lol.
Keera even emptied the dishwasher for me, which I dread doing!
For supper I didn’t make anything fancy, just a cheese oven pizza (I added extra cheese on top, so much better!) Along with some peas, because the kids and I love veggies. Then for something extra, some KD Alfredo noodles. I started supper at 4:40, and had everyone eating at 5:40pm.
Things were going great, until they weren’t. Kennedy’s eye started getting discharge (gross I know.) Kennedy started shrieking, then her outburst triggered Zaden who started crying saying his ear hurts. Which then in turn triggered me, I just wanted them to get to bed.
Everyone was in bed, and asleep by 7pm. Small victory for me till I looked at the pile of dishes in the sink, that NEED to be done.
That’s the thing about solo parenting, there’s always going to be one more thing to do.
Sometimes though, we need to look after ourselves because you can’t pour from an empty cup. I finished the dishes, because that will bring me calm. I also wrote this post, because THIS brings me calm as well. The rest of my to-do list will get done, when I get around to it.
I need to learn to take care of myself, so that I can take care of others.
Deep breaths, one day at a time.